Renovations can be very stressful on a relationship and we find that couples often have trouble managing their decision making. This is especially true when people want opposite elements or have divergent tastes. They can also have different comfort levels around how much money should be spent on the renovation. On our podcast, All Things Renovation, we interviewed Susan Seminiw, a professional matchmaker and head “Love Coach” at Divine Intervention, to get some advice on how to emerge with your relationship intact. We also discussed how to advocate for what you want with your contractor.
Whatever is going on in your relationship will be heightened and magnified.
Like anything in life, renovations can be unpredictable, disruptive, and chaotic. Just like we saw during the pandemic, everyone is in a heightened and alert state. And there are trigger points for sure. What you need to understand as a couple is that conflict IS going to happen, fighting is NOT a deal breaker, and you have to try to start with an end goal in mind.
According to Houzz, about 12% of couples will think about divorce or come close to divorce during renovations. However, the good news is that 38% of couples actually spend more time together as they need to make decisions.
Trigger Point #1 – Money
Couples would prefer to talk about anything else rather than talk about money. Everyone has different spending styles so don’t start a renovation without having a private discussion with your partner about how much you are willing to spend on the project. Prepare a budget, discuss how you are going to pay for the renovation, and anticipate at least a 10% overage for things going wrong. You always want to have a range of options. Choose a low, a medium, and a high option so that you can be flexible where it’s needed.
Doing a renovation is a relationship test, in much the same way that going on vacation is. So maybe just start with a small project and see how you end up faring, because it’s most likely going to represent how things will be going forward.
Trigger Point #2 – Tastes
In a culturally-diverse city like Vancouver, there are a lot of mixed marriages. People coming from different parts of the world might have conflicting design styles that can cause problems. Couples need to decide who is going to win where, i.e., what are your non-negotiables? What are the things that you can cut some slack on. It’s important to understand that the big things matter – let the little things go. Decide how you want to FEEL when you walk into the room. Compromises can help you incorporate both tastes in a room.
One person may be really invested in the process and the other person may be more detached. It’s important to remember that people come to decisions at different times. There’s a lot of pressure and some things may not be of the same magnitude to one person as they are to the other. For example, the person who is the primary cook might really care about the kitchen layout and design. So maybe they are in charge of making most of the major decisions for that space, and the other might take charge of another area. It should be a give and take situation.
You can’t let a renovation become all-consuming in your life. Treat it like a job and only focus on it during the day for example, and take the evenings off. Life goes on and it’s so important that you take time for yourself and have a routine, especially with children or pets. Consider even going away for the weekend to escape and recharge.
Fighting Fair and Fighting Well
There’s a lot of distortion when it comes to listening, and when there is a dominant person, the other person might just switch off. If one person has an objection to something, you want to leave room to have a conversation around that. Remember to:
- Listen to what the other person says.
- Parrot back what they have to say – “Am I clear in understanding what it is that you’re talking about?”
- Shut up and let them talk!
Remember that having a fight doesn’t mean that your relationship is going to end. If there are any contentious issues, ask them if there is more to it – is something bothering them? Do they want to talk about it? If they do, discuss it and then move on, don’t hold a grudge.
Recommended Reading
Oprah recommends a book that saves couples from divorce, especially around stressful times. It’s called Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix. It talks about conflict resolution, talking to the other person, and talking to them how they want to be spoken to.
Gratitude is so important.
If you look at your partner through rose coloured glasses, and choose to see the good, you’re actually going to think better of your partner. So regardless of how bad the day is, think of one good thing that you’re grateful for in your partner that you can build on. Thank your partner for letting you have your choices, or for being calm under pressure, or something that they’ve done to make life easier.
The 5 love languages: (read more at www.5lovelanguages.com)
- Words of affirmation
- Acts of service
- Receiving gifts
- Quality time
- Physical touch
The 5 apology languages:
- Expressing regret
- Accepting responsibility
- Genuinely repent
- Making restitution
- Requesting forgiveness
We should speak to our partner how THEY want to be spoken to. And it’s really important to try and have some intimacy through this whole process, to reconnect and bond you to this person. Carve out some time for a date night, away from it all.
How to advocate for yourself with your contractor
People can get very shy when it comes to speaking up to their contractor. Women especially seem to have a harder time bringing up their questions. It’s important to remember that there’s no such thing as a stupid question. Know what you know, and know what you don’t know. Be direct in your approach. You hired your contractor because they’re an expert! Practice getting a voice if you’re naturally shy. It’s your space and your money.
Ask your friends where they got items that you like, do your research beforehand, and get recommended tips. Our All Things Renovation podcast can be a great jumping off point for this, as we cover a wide variety of topics surrounding the renovation process that people often haven’t thought of before. Our first series deals with the process of finding and hiring a contractor, and what questions you need to be asking. In our Talking Shop series, we interview key players in the renovation process, from finding the money at the beginning (mortgage broker, financial planner, realtor) to the insurance that you need, how to pack up your possessions, how and when to engage an interior designer, and more!
Consider writing your questions in an email, which will give you time to collect and organize your thoughts. Or ask open-ended questions, admitting your lack of knowledge, and learn that way.
Keep your eye on the prize! Let’s not get lost in the madness!!
To listen to the full episode and see the show notes, visit www.AllThingsRenovation.com or from our main page at www.woodbeart.com, click on the Podcast tab at the top.
